Patience is a quality that hasn’t come easily to me….frankly, it still doesn’t. I can act out of impatience, speak out of impatience, and I have caused harm to myself and others out of impatience.
My dad, who I think was usually a pretty patient guy, used to say, “Zip, zip, zip, zip!” At those times, he must have been really frustrated and impatient, and I hated the way it made me feel when he did this. In Buddhist thinking, patience is one of the paramis, or perfections, essential for spiritual growth.
Personal Story: A Moment of Impatience
The absence of patience hurts. Sitting here, right now, I can feel impatience. It’s got nothing to do with you folks; it’s a familiar sensation. When I grow impatient, I can feel that fast-moving, forward energy. It’s speedy, for sure. This is a response deeply ingrained in our species. Our survival has often depended on quick reactions. We come by this honestly. But still, there’s suffering in impatience. The view snaps into a tight focus, and there is a lot of suffering in impatience.
The Buddhist Perspective on Patience
Patience is not the absence of anger or frustration; it’s the ability to stay with the pain. Steady—easy does it. Patience is a skill that allows one to pause—really pause—long enough to see a situation clearly, whether it’s internal or external, and then respond with care and spaciousness. In Buddhist teachings, patience is one of the paramis, and its absence can lead to significant suffering. Developing patience takes effort and a deliberate intention to respond patiently.
Physiological and Emotional Impact of Impatience
When we grow impatient, we feel the contraction, the grip, the tight bearing down. There is a lot of suffering in impatience. I sometimes feel this impulse to put my hand on my heart and say to myself, “This is difficult.” Patience is a person’s ability to wait something out or endure something tedious without getting riled up. But of course, there are times when we do get riled up and have to course-correct.
The Bus Story: An Exercise in Patience
Let me share a story about a phone conversation heard on the bus. It’s a true story; I wrote it down when I got home.
It’s the 10:15 PM bus leaving Port Authority. I was late getting in line, so I didn’t get my preferred window seat. It’s a full bus. We pull out. Across the aisle from me is a woman who begins a lengthy and relatively loud conversation on her phone. And I feel my impatience with anyone who feels entitled or is so inconsiderate of others to talk on the phone in a bus.
I’ve been working with Susan (my teacher) for a while now, and at this point, it occurs to me: “Ground the live wire of irritation to the breath and the breath to the body and the body to the ground.” I want to repeat this instruction because it has been super helpful to me. “Ground the live wire of irritation to the breath and the breath to the body and the body to the ground.”
A few minutes into the call, I hear something that sparks some curiosity. I start to engage and get interested in what she is saying. (I’m not eavesdropping, for this is being freely offered.)
She keeps repeating the name of the person she’s talking to, Richard. Her tone begins softly and patiently. “Richard… Just listen… Richard… Calm down… Richard, I am trying to explain this to you… Richard. I am trying to help you… Richard. Click on Google… Richard, you can not miss it… Richard, you can do this. Richard. At the top of the page… Look at the top of the page… At the top of the page… At the TOP of the page… There is a tab; it says tab… Click on it, Richard… Click on the tab…”
I’m thinking to myself: Richard clearly is not understanding, or maybe he’s not cooperating. I can imagine how I might feel. Can’t you just get it, Richard?! Please. Just get it?! (Huh! I’m starting to feel my compassion for both of them!) As I think about Richard on the other end of the line, I recognize those experiences where I get so anxious and unable to process anything. And I can look and look and look and still not see.
“Richard, I did not do it yesterday because it was greater than 24 hours, and the airline would not allow me. Richard, I work 18 hours a day. When would you have liked me to have done this? Punch in the code… Well, punch in the authorization number at the top… Look at the top… Richard, this is elementary… Then you will just have to miss the flight… On the top of the screen… I am not there, and I cannot see it for you… I am done… I am done.” She hangs up.
Now, it’s quiet. (As an aside, I find myself hoping that Richard calls her back. Or I hope she calls Richard back. But this doesn’t happen on this bus ride.)
This story is all about impatience. Her impatience. Richard’s impatience. My impatience. The fraying edges of patience. What do we need when we feel our edges start to fray?
Practical Advice: Grounding Impatience
Developing patience takes effort and a deliberate intention to respond patiently. Our practice teaches this to us. Think of all the time we have explored Metta here at the Daily Sit, We can feel the loving kindness in patience. Patience as a gentle forbearance—patience as a soft perseverance.
How do we grow patience? We set the deliberate intention to identify the impulses of impatience or the impulse to pick up the hot coals of agitation and distress. We want to grow the willingness to choose calm. Can I be with this? We ground the live wire of impatience to the breath and breath to the body and the body to the ground. Can I stay grounded, even with this agitation? Can I be with it but not in and not driven by it? We can feel the reactivity, pause, and feel for a perspective beyond, or a wider view.
The Wisdom of Ajahn Chah
According to Buddhist teacher, Ajahn Chah, one of the traditional chanted recitations in Buddhism refers to the Buddha’s own confrontation with the demon host of Mara: ‘The Buddha overcame Mara through practicing patience. He overcame the forces of delusion, anger, fear, aversion, and greed through practicing patience, not through blaming anyone, ignoring those forces, or running away from them.
So, when you’re stuck in a traffic jam, anxious for resolution to a crisis, or beset with a migraine, it’s good to remember that the Buddha was here too and found a way through. In an age where one is encouraged not to wait but to go faster, not to accept but to be more demanding, this pāramī may be the one you use most frequently to cross the floods.
Conclusion
Patience is a quality that hasn’t come easily to me….frankly, it still doesn’t. I can act out of impatience, speak out of impatience, and I have caused harm to myself and others out of impatience. But developing patience is crucial. We want to cultivate patience so that we can be more at ease with discomfort and more skillful—less reactive. When we cultivate patience, we expand our capacity to accept and tolerate delay, interference, or frustration. So, let’s set the intention to practice patience, ground ourselves, and respond with care and spaciousness.